Darkness......

The darkness crept in today. Most days I'm able to keep it at bay, but something about today allowed it in. A weakness in my shield, or a chip in my armour.......or.....well, I honestly don't know.

The tiniest little things had tears in my eyes. I'd look at Shawna just right, and tear up. I'd see a commercial or something on a show, and I'd tear up. Then I read a "saying" on Facebook, and I almost lost it.

It went like this -

"As I sit in heaven

And watch you everyday

I try to let you know with signs

I never went away

I hear you when you're laughing

And watch you as you sleep

I even place my arms around you

To calm you as you weep

I see you wish the days away

Begging to have me home

So I try to send you signs

So you know you are not alone

Don't feel guilty that you have

Life that was denied to me

Heaven is truly beautiful

Just you wait and see

So live your life, laugh again

Enjoy yourself, be free

Then I know with every breath you take

You'll be taking one for me"

I sat down to watch the ACM's Salute to the Troops tonight, and of course Blake Shelton & Miranda Lambert sang "Over You". Luckily I was the only one up, because I cried my eyes out as I sang every word. I swear that song just rips my soul from my body when it's on. Then Luke Bryan performed "Have A Beer". While I don't sit on a pier, I do drive out to the spit, and I think about you.  

I know you are always here watching me. Wrapping your arms around me as I weep. Just some days it all begins to be too much, and the darkness creeps in.

I also know that most people are getting tired of reading my posts about missing you. Most don't understand, and think that after 13 years I should be better, or know how to deal with it. Well, in all honestly......this is how I deal with it. I write to you. So, knowing that other's don't understand, and don't get it I won't make it known that this particular post is here. There are a few who follow my blog, and will read it. They are the few who will understand, and not judge me for it.

So until next time.....please keep watching over me, your amazing niece and your brother-in-law. Each of us needs you in our own way.

So excited!!!

6 years after leaving Georgia I am finally getting to go back & see one of my bestfriends in the world!! WooHoo!! I am so excited!! I'm not even sure if I can put it in to words :) So much has happened in that 6 years.......

She has since remarried, and had a little boy, my nephew :) And also is now pregnant with a little girl, my neice!! We truly do have that friendship that you always see in the sayings, about not needing to talk everyday. We always know the other is there when needed. Sometimes we'll talk everyday, all day......other times we'll go weeks without talking. But we always know that we're there if needed. All I have to do is call, voxer or message through Facebook & she's there.

I have since remarried as well, and have my own little girl!! The funny thing is, her little boy is only 4 months younger than Shawna. So we went through some of our pregnancy together. This time though.....Jen, I love you, but you're on your own! LOL!! ;)

I'm so excited to be going back & be able to give her the baby shower she never got with her first pregnancy. Every woman deserves to be showered in gifts, and made to feel special when she is pregnant!! I just wish I could have done something about it the first time. BUT this time it'll be done right! :)  

Really wish Brannen was able to go with Shawna, and I. But there will be other times. I guess this time we'll only scar Bill with our craziness, rather than both hubby's at the same time! LOL!! Then when Brannen is able to go with me for a visit, we'll scar him & Bill will already be prepared!! Love you Brannen & Bill!!!!

It's kind of funny at times how life works out. I only lived in Georgia for a year & a half, but in that short time I made a best friend for life. There are other people who have been in my life longer, and that I am actually around more day-to-day that I don't have the same connection with. Jen, you may be thousands of miles away, but you are always in my heart. I love you girl!!

Sorry if this post is all over the place, but as many of you know (if you've taken the time to read any of my posts) you know that that is how I write.....lol!

Life

I have felt compelled to blog for the last few nights, but wasn't really sure what to write about. Tonight I finally decided I'd just do it anyways, and see how it comes out. Be forewarned though that it will probably jump around a lot, and be one big mess! As you can see I'm not even real sure how to start this one :p lol!! Here goes nothing.....


Life has done some changing lately. We have finally decided to move home, and are so excited. While our time in Washington has brought a lot of changes to our life, we're just ready to be home. Want to raise Shawna in the state we both love. So at some point this summer we will be moving back to Emmett.....YAY!! Can't wait :)


Also Mom had knee replacement surgery the end of March, which is awesome & was much needed. Then all of the sudden work picked up for Dad, which is a great thing! But then there was no one here to help Mom, or help run the office. So Shawna & I have been in Idaho for the last 4 weeks, and are finally heading back to Wa. tomorrow. We both miss Daddy, and are ready to be back in our own home :)


How is it that we can make friends online, with people we'll probably never meet in person, but can't seem to make friendships work in person that have been there for years? Is it because the online friends haven't been there with us through ups & downs? Don't judge us for changing, whether it be good or bad? Don't call us bad friends for not keeping in touch?


Yet the online friends end up being there for us through the ups & downs anyways when the real life friends judge us, or accuse us of being a bad friend & for not keeping in touch. A lot of people have said that online friendships aren't real friendships. I think that's the biggest load of shit I have ever heard! I, over the last 6 months or so, have made some amazing friendships with people online. They listen when I need an ear. Offer advice when they think its needed, and try to make me feel better when I'm down. Why should real life friends who don't do any of these things, be deemed more important? Well in my book, ALL my friendships are important to me & all are equal. I'm sorry if you can't understand that.


Well I think that's enough rambling for tonight. Not sure I feel any better for this post, but here it is none the less......