I miss you Shawn

I miss you tonight. I miss you everyday, but tonight I just need my brothers hug.

I was watching a show earlier, and I saw 2 sisters hug, because one was having a hard time. I realized how much I miss that. Only someone who has lost a sibling can truly understand what I'm talking about. Then there's those who have siblings & take them for granted. Never knowing what it could be like to lose them.

I know I'm denying Shawna that feeling, but at the same time, if she's never experienced it......she doesn't know she's missing it.

I know I always have Mom & Brannen, but sometimes its just not the same. I need you to put your arms around me & say "Its gonna be ok Sis."

Tonight, I just need my brother...........

Peoria is cold!

Been in Peoria since Friday night, and let me just say......I'm so not a fan of this weather!!! It hasn't been above 25* since I've been here. Honestly, we've been lucky to see that high!!!

The trip here was good. Started out in Idaho. Made it to Laramie, Wy the first night. Then it was down to Amarillo, Tx. where we got to see some family friends, that I hadn't seen since Shawn passed away in 2001. After that it was a short drive over to Oklahoma City. Let me just say.....I loved Oklahoma City!!! Yes, I could totally live there & be happy. Still flat like home, but so many western wear stores, and just country living in general! So anyways, after that it was off to Jackson, Tn. for 3 days so we could get the bid put together, and in for the Henderson, Tn. job.  As of right now, we haven't heard anything. I'm thinking we probably didn't get it.

From there it was up to the Kansas City area to meet with another guy about a job in Maryville, Mo. Spent 2 days there. Then finally we made it to Peoria. Which has been really nice, just to be with hubby. Don't have to take care of Shawna all on my own. He still has to work during the day, but at least we have the nights with him, which is WAY better than nothing! Plus, Shawna is happier now too! Now.....if the weather was just better!!!

Never thought I would miss Idaho weather, but let me tell you.....I would love to be in Idaho right now!! LOL!!!

Anyways, not too much else going on right now.

Crap day

Why does it seem like the bad days are starting to out-weigh the good days? Today I just want to cry. I did cry actually.

I am so beyond stressed. Stressed in my personal life. Stressed in my work life. Stressed period!!

There's never enough money to go around. Some how that's my fault.

Bugaboo basically hates me today. Doesn't want anything to do with me. Guess it's a good thing her Grandma is home now. Otherwise she'd be in a perpetual "fit".

I just want to lay my head on the desk, and close my eyes.

A very stiff drink, and a 3 month nap......is that too much to ask??

Yesterday was good

I meant to post last night, but got busy with FaceTime calls, and then went to bed.

Considering yesterday was Monday, it was a really good day over all!!! :) Had a good day here at work. Bugaboo was in good spirits all day. Got the keys picked up for our new office. Had lunch with a friend & then went and got my nails done. Last night was just some FaceTime calls so Bugaboo could see everyone, and some catch up time for mommy with her friend :)  Went to bed at a fairly decent time, and feel like I slept pretty good.

Woke up fairly well this morning & was feeling pretty good, but after having to deal with Dish for 45 mins, and dropping Bugaboo off at school/daycare (her screaming as I walked out the door) I'm getting a bit sluggish. Just need to get my head cleared, and wake up!!!

Here's to hoping Tuesday starts to turn around!!

Another lonely night

Tonight is another one of those nights when the loneliness is creeping in. Feels like it's taking over at times. And I feel like there is nothing I can do to stop it. 

Was suppose to go see a friend this weekend & her newborn. Yet, I couldn't bring my self to leave the house. No, I don't have anxiety. I'm not afraid to go out. I just lose all motivation, energy & care. Unless Bugaboo needs something, I become an absolute slug. I feel useless & lifeless. I HATE this feeling!

Feel like I could just sleep for days. Though, of course, that's not a possibility. 

I can't wait for hubby to be home. I'm just so drained from doing it all, all by myself, all the time!

I feel myself wanting to cry over nothing. I hate that feeling too. 

I'm just so tired...........

Friday

So the last few days haven't been too bad. I actually got my butt outta bed yesterday at a decent time, got dressed, pulled my hair up & put my makeup on so that I was ready for the day. Got Shawna up, and cooked us some breakfast. Once we were all ready to go, we headed over to our house. I actually got the final coat of paint on the walls in Shawna's room, and then got a few boxes unpacked in the kitchen. To find out that most of the outlets in the kitchen don't work!!! Time to call the landlord! LOL!!

Was gonna try to crash early last night after doing all of that, but a friend was passing through & needed a place to crash. So I was up late waiting for him to show up. But I am at work, and half ass functioning....lol! Today is a fairly easy day, so no worries.

Gonna try to head up over the hill tomorrow to go see a friend, her son & her new baby girl!! I've got some of Shawna's left over toys from when she was little that I am going to take over to her. I haven't seen her in a while, so I'm really excited! Actually getting out of the house & going to visit a friend. Been a very long time since I was able to do that!

Hope everyone has a great weekend & a Happy New Year!

So tired......

So tired of being strong. So tired of feeling alone. So tired of never feeling good enough. So tired of being tired.........

I keep it together all the time for everyone else in my life. When, though, does anyone ever ask how I am? They don't generally. They just continue to pile & pile & pile on me. Lesli do this. Lesli do that. Lesli go here. Lesli make sure this is right. Make sure that is right. Don't let them do that, you know better. Do your job, but yet I'm going to do everything I can to make that job as hard as possible. Manage the money, oh wait I'm going to go spend a bunch of money that WE DON'T HAVE and not tell you about it!!!!

Have you ever felt like your not the person everyone wants? Ever since Shawn passed away I have felt like I'm not good enough. That it should have been me instead of him. He was the son & he could do no wrong. Forget that I'm the oldest......I'm still tryin to fill the shoes of my 17 year old brother who died almost 13 years ago........Tell me, how does that work exactly?

I have pretty much been a single mom since September. Of course, hubby & I neither one want it that way, but for work & money purposes that's the way it's had to be. But let me tell you......unless you've had to do it, you have no idea just how hard it is!! What do you do when your daughter cries at night, because she wants her daddy & doesn't understand that he's in a different state working. Or the days when she can't stand you & would rather be or go with ANYONE else but YOU!

I can't even get moved into our new place, that we got around Thanksgiving!! Cuz I never have time to live my own life. No one ever stays home around here, so I'm back at Mom & Dad's taking care of all the animals, cuz our new place isn't equipped for 2 outside dogs. Buster alone would be one thing. I can keep him inside most of the time, but both dogs inside would destroy my house. One night.....one stinking night is all I've slept at our home.

When do I get to have a break? When does someone take Shawna from me & say.....go take some time for yourself. I'll take care of everything, just go. When do I get to break down & cry until there is nothing left while someone holds me & tells me its going to be ok?? When do I get to quit being the bad guy for most things that happen?

When do I finally get to be me?????