So tired of being strong. So tired of feeling alone. So tired of never feeling good enough. So tired of being tired.........
I keep it together all the time for everyone else in my life. When, though, does anyone ever ask how I am? They don't generally. They just continue to pile & pile & pile on me. Lesli do this. Lesli do that. Lesli go here. Lesli make sure this is right. Make sure that is right. Don't let them do that, you know better. Do your job, but yet I'm going to do everything I can to make that job as hard as possible. Manage the money, oh wait I'm going to go spend a bunch of money that WE DON'T HAVE and not tell you about it!!!!
Have you ever felt like your not the person everyone wants? Ever since Shawn passed away I have felt like I'm not good enough. That it should have been me instead of him. He was the son & he could do no wrong. Forget that I'm the oldest......I'm still tryin to fill the shoes of my 17 year old brother who died almost 13 years ago........Tell me, how does that work exactly?
I have pretty much been a single mom since September. Of course, hubby & I neither one want it that way, but for work & money purposes that's the way it's had to be. But let me tell you......unless you've had to do it, you have no idea just how hard it is!! What do you do when your daughter cries at night, because she wants her daddy & doesn't understand that he's in a different state working. Or the days when she can't stand you & would rather be or go with ANYONE else but YOU!
I can't even get moved into our new place, that we got around Thanksgiving!! Cuz I never have time to live my own life. No one ever stays home around here, so I'm back at Mom & Dad's taking care of all the animals, cuz our new place isn't equipped for 2 outside dogs. Buster alone would be one thing. I can keep him inside most of the time, but both dogs inside would destroy my house. One night.....one stinking night is all I've slept at our home.
When do I get to have a break? When does someone take Shawna from me & say.....go take some time for yourself. I'll take care of everything, just go. When do I get to break down & cry until there is nothing left while someone holds me & tells me its going to be ok?? When do I get to quit being the bad guy for most things that happen?
When do I finally get to be me?????
