I thought of you.......

I thought of you today......that's nothing new.......I think of you everyday.....though, today was different. It hit me that next month you would have been turning 30. 12 1/2 years you've been gone. So much time lost. Too much time gone. So many memories missed out on.

30.....such a milestone birthday, and you never got the chance to celebrate. You never got to celebrate any of the milestones. You missed out on so much, and yet you experienced so much in your 17 short years. 

I wonder about the man you would have become. The uncle you would have been. The brother you would have continued to be. I know most would say it doesn't do any good to dwell, but still......I wonder........though I know you would have been amazing at anything & everything you did. 

I always miss you so much more this time of year, but this year is different. So much has changed. So much will continue to change. And you won't be here to see any of it. Though I know you're always watching me, and looking out for me, it's just not the same.

What am I doing for your birthday this year? Well I'm going to get my hair done. I know maybe that'll sound selfish to some. Maybe it is a little......but, it's exactly what I'll need that day. Daunn is awesome, and will take care of me for the couple hours I'm there, and make me feel good. She'll help me to laugh, and just feel good about myself. I need that a lot these days. I know you'll understand. Then later that day I'll tell Shawna about you. She's still to little to remember what I tell her, but that's ok. I'll tell her every year, always.

I thought of you today.........I missed you today.........I miss you always

Stop, please.......

Ever have one of those days where you want to just say "to hell with it all" & crawl into a hole & hide from the world? Yeah.....today!!  Today is one of those days that I just need everything to stop, please :(  The dog is driving me crazy, Shawna is getting into EVERYTHING, I don't feel good, I didn't sleep for shit, I miss my friends, I miss my family & it's just a crap day! So please everything JUST STOP!!!

I, of course, don't mean any of that in a bad way. I love my child with all my heart & she's just learning, and the dog is just a puppy & is pushing his limits to see what he can do. When I lay Shawna down for her nap I'll lay down as well & hopefully that'll help with the not feeling good, and needing some sleep part. As for missing my friends & family.......well it's just that time of year I guess. Not much can be done about it. They're all a phone call away, which is great, but sometimes it's just not enough. Plus the one I need to talk to the most isn't available for me to talk to.

I will be fine, and more than anything just needed to whine & rant. To get it off my chest, and out there for someone to read. Such is life. Live it, learn from it & move on!!

Happy Hump Day!

Thinking........

I'm sitting here looking at the clock to see that it's 10:35pm, and trying to convince myself that I really should go to bed. Shawna gets up at 8am no matter what & I know this. Yet I continue to sit here.......thinking.........yes, dangerous, I know!!

Thinking about what my life has become. A lot has changed over just the last 6 months. Some good, some bad. Some things I wish I could change. Some things I'm realizing need to stay the way they are. But all happening for a reason.

Before starting this blog I posted something on FaceBook that read:

You are not accidental.
The world needs you.
Without you, something will
be missing in existence and
nobody can replace it.

And it got me to thinking.......how many people out there feel that their life was an accident?? How many people feel that no one cares of about them? Honestly......I've felt both those things myself, and until this point I don't imagine anyone knew that. Which also makes me wonder, does anyone even care that I've felt that way? Then I make myself stop, and think......yes! There are people who care about me & love me & need me. No I wasn't accidental. God has his plan for me. I may not know what it is, but that's ok. BUT, there are so many others out there who are thinking, and feeling the same way! It could be the person you live with. The person you work with. The person you passed in the grocery store, or on the street. Or the person you just see on occasion. Do they look ok on the outside? Sure!! That doesn't mean their not fighting a battle on the inside.

So once in a while, take the time to tell someone they matter. Let them know how much they mean to you, and that your life wouldn't be the same with out them. Again, maybe it needs to be the person you live with, work with or the random person who you see on occasion. 
We all get so busy in our day to day lives that we tend to forget about the people around us. That they matter, but maybe, they don't realize that they matter. To you, or to anyone.

We all feel alone at times. So the next time you feel alone, take that very moment to realize, and remember that someone else, somewhere, feels alone too.

Not much going on......

Not too much to report over here right now. Weigh in last week wasn't as good as I had hoped. I was back up .8 lb's. Could have definitely been worse! So now I've just gotten bust my ass this week to get at least the .8 gone, if not more!!

Shawna got her first fat lip yesterday. I felt so bad, cuz it was kind of my fault! I was chasing her through the house, playing, and she tripped over her own feet & face planted. I picked her up & started to soothe her, and that's when I noticed there was blood coming from her mouth. We started cleaning it up & thought it was coming from her bottom lip. So I got her calmed down, gave her some water to drink to help wash it all down & to help the bleeding to stop. Then got her a frozen teething ring to suck on, and that's when I noticed her upper lip was swollen! LOL!! By this point though she was all smiles :)  This momma, of course, still feels horrible for being the cause of said fat lip, but shit happens! It'll happen again, whether it's my fault or not :)

Oh!! Another quick little thing that I think is funny & cute. Shawna awhile back decided to take our dvd's & feed them to the monster under the couch ;)  LOL!!  So yesterday Brannen & I moved both the couch & the love seat to clean under them. Between the dog & the kid there is always tons of stuff under them. Anyways, we move the couch, and behold! Movies!!  24 of them to be exact!! LOL!! Over the last couple of weeks she had managed to get 24 movies "fed to the monster" under the couch :)

Anyways! That's it for today. Hope everyone enjoys their Tuesday! :)

WooHoo!!!

WooHoo!! Yes I am excited! :)  And for good reason, well good enough for me anyways. Not only is it Friday, but..............I'm down 2.4 lbs. from last Friday!!! Yay!! I've been working really hard on trying to eat better this week, drink ALL my water plus some, and tryin to get in some sort of exercise a little more. It paid off today! It makes me feel so good, and pushes me to keep doing. Yes, unfortunately, I'm a instant gratification type of person. I don't need much, but something (like the 2.4 lbs today) is just enough to keep me motivated to keep at it.

Not much else going on. Shawna is still growing growing growing!! She LOVES to jump on the trampoline, so anytime its nice we've been out of it a couple times a day :) She is such a good eater. Eats just about anything I give her! I couldn't be happier about that. We have her 15 month checkup appointment on Monday.

Well time to get off of here & go hit the grocery store for a few of the Friday sales!! Since money is tight I've been tryin a lot harder to catch all the sales for some of the things we need, and also I've been getting into couponing!! By no means am I a "extreme couponer" yet, but maybe someday :)  The other day I got $13.22 worth of product for $3.28 :)  It was so COOL. Just wish I new someone in the area who could help me get better. For now though I'll keep doing what I'm doing :)

Happy Friday y'all!!! :)

Friday Blog.......

Wow it's been awhile!! Now that the wedding is finally over I'm hopefully going to start blogging some more again. Not that I have a lot to say that anyone really cares about, but hey! It's makes me feel better at times. By the way, the wedding went great! I will hopefully have some pictures up soon! :)

Shawna is well! Getting so big & always on the move! I count the minutes to her naps most days :)  LOL!!  Just so I can get stuff done without her going behind me & undoing it. We celebrated her birthday over a couple of days. Had a bbq here at the house with a few people over, then the day of her birthday we took her to Seattle to the aquarium. She loved the seals & otters. Most of the fish she didn't take much interest in, but she will as she gets older :) Still can't believe my little girl is already 1!! I'm trying to soak up every minute of everything that happens, but at times I feel like its going too fast. I love her so much it hurts though, and wouldn't trade her for the world! She is what makes me world go round. Along with her papa that is ;) lol!

Not a lot else going on. Just being a mama, and a housewife. Both of which I'm not the greatest at, but I'm rocking it the best I can! :) Brannen's little sister, Shaylee, has been here for the last month with us taking drivers ed. It's been nice to have someone else in the house to hang out with during the day. She'll be done soon, and will head back home. Though I do have to say she is a great driver, and has done awesome with drivers ed. So proud of her! :)

Well I guess I'll leave it at that for now. Hope everyone has a great weekend!!

Friday weigh-in

Just a quick post to say how my weigh in this morning was.......yea not good!! LOL!! Though I never really expected it to be. I've ate like crap most of the week. Not super bad, but bad enough. Then with Brannen's birthday being yesterday we went out to dinner last night. Yea.....not good choices were made ;) lol!! Fried zucchini for an app that I shared with Tab. Plus I had a piece of Brannen's and a piece of Jason's app's too. Then my dinner was completely fried.

Anyways, I was up 2.8 pounds. Last Friday I was at 218.6, and this morning I was at 221.4....yeah no good. But after what I ate last night, not surprising at all. I actually laughed when I say the number come up on the scale this morning.....lol!! That's what I get for eating fried food an hour & a half before I go to bed :p

So next week is my period. Going to try and get back to watching my calories. Not sure it'll be a great week, but I'm going to try my hardest.

Hope everyone has a great weekend!! :)

Damn BC!!!

So I was watching the The Doctors yesterday (I don't make a habit of it, but nothing else was on & it caught my eye). Anyways, so as I was watching the show it said that weight gain & increased appetite can be a side effect of birth controls pills. So I immediatly googled my BC, and guess what?? Yep! A side effect is weight gain & increased appetite!! Are you kidding me?!?!  Two issue's I've been having!!

I've been saying ever since having Shawna that I can't seem to get my eating under control, well never in my wildest dreams did I ever think to chalk it up to my BC pill. The weight gain too. And it's not even that I've gained all that much weight, and I think that's cuz I've been doing enough exercising to keep it under control. But I haven't been losing either, I've just been maintaining. The under controlled eating has definitely been an issue though for sure!!

Needless to say Brannen & I had a long talk last night about me getting off of BC & us getting something else figured out in the way of bc, whatever that may end up being.

I'm just so happy to finally have answers to more than one question or problem that I've been having. Though in my defense I really just thought it was the after effects of having Shawna. And again, never for a minute did I think that my BC pill could affect my weight & eating! Anyways, we'll see how weigh in tomorrow goes. Honestly I'm not expecting anything great. The whole watching my calories didn't make it very far this week, as it's the week before my period. Basically I eat everything in sight! LOL!! Wish me luck!! :)

It's a new week.....

So last week I decided to start counting my calories. I found an app for my phone that tells me based on my current weight, height & how much weight I wanna lose how many calories I can have in a day & has a food diary where I can keep track of it all. So I started it last Tuesday morning. Did it all day Tues, Wed & Thurs and then weighed in on Friday to find I had only lost .2 of a pound!! :( Was not happy about that. Yes I understand that I can't just watch my calories for 3 days & expect to lose massive amounts of weight, but I did expect to lose a little more than .2 of a pound! If nothing else, in water weight. I've always been pretty good about drinking water all day, but tend to max out at about 5 cups. Well those 3 days last week I was hitting 8 cups a day, so I expected to be down a little just cuz of that, but I wasn't. Needless to say I was a little discouraged all weekend. Ate a burger Friday night, fatty breakfast for dinner Saturday night, and then a fatty breakfast Sunday morning to help soak up all the alcohol I drank Saturday night. So bye bye .2 of a pound....lol!!

It is a new week though, and I'm going to get back to it!! I worked out 3 days last week, and plan on doing it again this week. I'm going to eat good all week until I weigh it again on Monday, and see how I do. Again, yes I do understand that losing weight takes time. I get that! That's why I'm going to give it another go this week, and then go from there. Yes over all I need to be watching what I'm eating anyways, but just really want to get some weight off for the wedding, and then for the honeymoon too. So this week I'm going to try my damnedest to never go over my calorie mark. I can do this.....I CAN DO THIS!!!

Pity party, table of one!

Why is it usually the people closest to you that seem to hurt your feelings the most?? The sad thing is I'm sure they don't even realize they're doing it. I know I'm just being stupid, and having myself a pity party over here, but well aren't we all entitled to them once in awhile?!

Some days I just feel so removed from the life going on around me. Removed from the friends that are in my life. I feel like people don't want to take the time to find out the person you truly are. They "assume" they know you, and then just go with that. Think that you don't really have that much in common so they don't include you in anything. When really you are probably the best person to understand & who would want to participate.

Guess it really doesn't matter. We make our own happiness, right? I really need to start living by these words. I need to stop letting other peoples decisions, or "ideas" of me affect my life. I have an amazing daughter, and a man who loves me without question.

I guess I just needed to vent these thoughts, and feelings out. Sometimes that helps more than anything, to just get it all out. And I'm sure this post probably doesn't make much sense, but in the end it doesn't have to, other than to me. I don't need validation about how I'm feeling, and I don't need anyone's pity. Again, just needed to get it out of my head.

Trip...

Hey all!! So we made it back from our trip home to Idaho. It was a great trip! Very fast & a little stressful for a bit, but a great trip over all!! We were able to see my Grandma, Uncle Mark, Jaime, and all of Brannen's family :)  I also was able to eat at my favorite local pizza joint!! I was one very happy girl at that point! ;) lol!!  Shawna ended up constipated from all the traveling & lack of eating right, but we muscled through it & have already gotten her little system cleaned out since we've been home.

Brannen had to be back to work today, but my amazing boss ;) gave me the day off. That way I was able to keep Shawna home for the whole day & she never have to even look at the carseat! Which is good considering by the time we got home yesterday she was crying anytime we would take her out of it & then try to put her back in. So her & I have just been lazing around the house today. Got myself unpacked, but still haven't tackled her stuff yet. The house, of course, is a wreck from us coming home & just unloaded the car into the middle of the house! I really should also get all the cat hair vaccuumed up, but it'll wait until later. Right now I'm snuggling & playing with my baby girl ;)  House work can wait!

Not too much else going on. Valentine's Day is tomorrow. We're keeping it pretty low keyed, and probably won't actually celebrate until the weekend. Hope everyone enjoys the day though. Whether you've got something special in your life or not. There is always someone in your life you love (kids, parents, etc) and they can always use an extra show of love :)

Love to all!!

Ramblings

It's been awhile since I blogged. Was blogging quite a bit on the other one I had started with my 2 girls, but they have kinda stopped. So thought maybe I'd jump back over to mine for awhile.

Things are going ok right now. It's February in Washington so it only gets just so good. Kinda always gloomy, but thankfully not much rain this year. Shawna is growing like a weed. Has her 9 month check-up today. She'll be 9 months tomorrow!! Can you believe it!! Where has the time gone?? Before I know it she's going to be going to school, then be a teenager, driving & then out of the house. It all goes WAY to fast!! I just want to keep her this age forever.

Wedding plans are coming together. Slowly, but at least I'm making head way, and that's something. Got the flowers taken care of, and the catering all figured out. Just gotta get some money coming in so I can finalize a few things. Really need to get my ass in gear & get the invitations figured out!! It'll happen though. Or it won't!! LOL!!

Still working on getting some weight off. Seems like I have a good day....eat well, get some exercise, drink my water & do all the things I'm suppose to do. Then I have 3 bad days!! ARRGGG!!! Ever since having Shawna I just can't seem to get a grasp on my eating. It's the strangest thing. Before I could be really really bad, but when I finally put my mind to it I could be good. Now even when I want to be good my body fights against me & it turns in to one of those days where I do nothing but eat all day!! DAMN I hate those!!

Ok now that I've done some pointless rambling I'm gonna go for now! Happy Monday y'all. Hope it's a great one.