So tired......

So tired of being strong. So tired of feeling alone. So tired of never feeling good enough. So tired of being tired.........

I keep it together all the time for everyone else in my life. When, though, does anyone ever ask how I am? They don't generally. They just continue to pile & pile & pile on me. Lesli do this. Lesli do that. Lesli go here. Lesli make sure this is right. Make sure that is right. Don't let them do that, you know better. Do your job, but yet I'm going to do everything I can to make that job as hard as possible. Manage the money, oh wait I'm going to go spend a bunch of money that WE DON'T HAVE and not tell you about it!!!!

Have you ever felt like your not the person everyone wants? Ever since Shawn passed away I have felt like I'm not good enough. That it should have been me instead of him. He was the son & he could do no wrong. Forget that I'm the oldest......I'm still tryin to fill the shoes of my 17 year old brother who died almost 13 years ago........Tell me, how does that work exactly?

I have pretty much been a single mom since September. Of course, hubby & I neither one want it that way, but for work & money purposes that's the way it's had to be. But let me tell you......unless you've had to do it, you have no idea just how hard it is!! What do you do when your daughter cries at night, because she wants her daddy & doesn't understand that he's in a different state working. Or the days when she can't stand you & would rather be or go with ANYONE else but YOU!

I can't even get moved into our new place, that we got around Thanksgiving!! Cuz I never have time to live my own life. No one ever stays home around here, so I'm back at Mom & Dad's taking care of all the animals, cuz our new place isn't equipped for 2 outside dogs. Buster alone would be one thing. I can keep him inside most of the time, but both dogs inside would destroy my house. One night.....one stinking night is all I've slept at our home.

When do I get to have a break? When does someone take Shawna from me & say.....go take some time for yourself. I'll take care of everything, just go. When do I get to break down & cry until there is nothing left while someone holds me & tells me its going to be ok?? When do I get to quit being the bad guy for most things that happen?

When do I finally get to be me?????

Out of sorts

I've felt so weird lately. Not sleeping well, and when I do sleep, having bad/weird dreams. I have weird thoughts throughout the day.

What do you do when all you can think about is how your husband is going to be taken from you one day, and you'll be left alone once again. And this time raising a daughter on your own. For 3 days a couple weeks ago, I dealt with those thoughts, and the anxiety that came with it. Constantly worrying if the reason I wasn't hearing from him is because something had happened.

I seriously don't know what's going on with me, or what's wrong with me. Who does that?? Who has those thoughts on a daily basis for that long??  Then there's times when I think it about Shawna. That's not near as often, and most of the time I won't even let my mind go there. I tell myself that Shawn won't let God do that to me. I just hope I'm right.

I know that I need to start getting out, and doing more. Just so hard when I have no friends. Seems like I have no friends anymore at all. And, of course, the couple I do have live far away. The one friend I do have here is pregnant & having a hell of a time with it, so I try to leave her be.

I need to get away........

Weird

Feel like I didn't sleep well last night. Of course, going to bed well after midnight doesn't help things, but still..... Just almost feel run down or drained. I know not having our own house/space is starting to wear on me some. Plus with Brannen being gone, and Shawna being 2.....well nothing is all the "easy" right now. Not saying things are ever easy, but you know what I mean. Just wanna go home & take a nap. That won't happen today though.

Did go look at a house. Well the outside anyways. The realtor is going to get me an appointment to see the inside. The outside is gorgeous & very well taken care of! I'm excited to see it! The guys not sure if he wants to sell or rent. Honestly right now, I'm up for either!! The backyard would be perfect for Shawna to be able to play, and there be room way out back for Buster to run around & do his business. There's already a beautiful garden someone has planted! I'm not much for gardening, but if someone has already planted it, then I can maintain it :)  Plus Brannen wants a garden, so it would be all on him next year! LOL!! Though I do suppose I'm getting ahead of myself. Wishful hoping I guess....

Slow day at work so far. Lynne takes off early today, so it'll be just Mom & I. Bout time for lunch though first! I'm hungry too! Just glad there is actual work going on though. The company definitely needs it!

Quick update.....

I haven't been blogging much lately. Not because I don't want to, but rather I just don't seem to make the time for it. Hopefully though, that is going to change. Just forewarning anyone who follows me though, that if I do start posting more....it may be nonsense at times. I'm not sure why, but for some reason I've been thinking I need to start blogging more. And not even about big things happening, but just more of everyday type things going on. Might be kinda boring, might be interesting, might be nonsense, might be crazy! We'll just have to see.

So that being said, here is a quick update since the last time I posted anything :)

We got moved home to Idaho June 29th, and it has been non-stop crazy busy ever since! But we are loving it! Now if we could only find a house! LOL!!

Brannen & I are both working for the family company. While I'm not totally happy about that most times, well it is what it is. Shawna is doing great! We tried to start potty training this last weekend, and well.....it didn't go well. Not well at all! So I suppose for now, we are going to let that be for another few weeks to a month, and try again. She's a very smart little girl, and knows what she should be doing, but she has too much of her father & mother's stubbornness in her to do it right now! She has, however, been growing like a weed! Sleeping a lot more than normal, and some days eating so much that I worry that she'll burst from all the food! Then other days she won't touch much food at all. It's all, of course, just a process. She is also getting in her molars, so that adds to it all as well.

Brannen is currently in North Dakota working on a job. Depending on what happens the next few days, Shawna & I may drive out there the end of this week to spend a few days with him. He hates being away from us, and we hate having him gone......but on-site experience is good for him, and good for the job he has taken on with the company.

Mom & Dad are great. Dad is in North Dakota, for the moment, as well. Mom is hobbling around on crutches from having surgery done on her other knee. It's getting better though, and it won't be long before she's walking like a new woman! :)

So that's about it for now. Hope everyone is well, and bares with me on this journey of mine. I'm not sure what's going to happen on a day to day basis. May be days of not posting, or may be a post everyday. Will just have to see............

Darkness......

The darkness crept in today. Most days I'm able to keep it at bay, but something about today allowed it in. A weakness in my shield, or a chip in my armour.......or.....well, I honestly don't know.

The tiniest little things had tears in my eyes. I'd look at Shawna just right, and tear up. I'd see a commercial or something on a show, and I'd tear up. Then I read a "saying" on Facebook, and I almost lost it.

It went like this -

"As I sit in heaven

And watch you everyday

I try to let you know with signs

I never went away

I hear you when you're laughing

And watch you as you sleep

I even place my arms around you

To calm you as you weep

I see you wish the days away

Begging to have me home

So I try to send you signs

So you know you are not alone

Don't feel guilty that you have

Life that was denied to me

Heaven is truly beautiful

Just you wait and see

So live your life, laugh again

Enjoy yourself, be free

Then I know with every breath you take

You'll be taking one for me"

I sat down to watch the ACM's Salute to the Troops tonight, and of course Blake Shelton & Miranda Lambert sang "Over You". Luckily I was the only one up, because I cried my eyes out as I sang every word. I swear that song just rips my soul from my body when it's on. Then Luke Bryan performed "Have A Beer". While I don't sit on a pier, I do drive out to the spit, and I think about you.  

I know you are always here watching me. Wrapping your arms around me as I weep. Just some days it all begins to be too much, and the darkness creeps in.

I also know that most people are getting tired of reading my posts about missing you. Most don't understand, and think that after 13 years I should be better, or know how to deal with it. Well, in all honestly......this is how I deal with it. I write to you. So, knowing that other's don't understand, and don't get it I won't make it known that this particular post is here. There are a few who follow my blog, and will read it. They are the few who will understand, and not judge me for it.

So until next time.....please keep watching over me, your amazing niece and your brother-in-law. Each of us needs you in our own way.

So excited!!!

6 years after leaving Georgia I am finally getting to go back & see one of my bestfriends in the world!! WooHoo!! I am so excited!! I'm not even sure if I can put it in to words :) So much has happened in that 6 years.......

She has since remarried, and had a little boy, my nephew :) And also is now pregnant with a little girl, my neice!! We truly do have that friendship that you always see in the sayings, about not needing to talk everyday. We always know the other is there when needed. Sometimes we'll talk everyday, all day......other times we'll go weeks without talking. But we always know that we're there if needed. All I have to do is call, voxer or message through Facebook & she's there.

I have since remarried as well, and have my own little girl!! The funny thing is, her little boy is only 4 months younger than Shawna. So we went through some of our pregnancy together. This time though.....Jen, I love you, but you're on your own! LOL!! ;)

I'm so excited to be going back & be able to give her the baby shower she never got with her first pregnancy. Every woman deserves to be showered in gifts, and made to feel special when she is pregnant!! I just wish I could have done something about it the first time. BUT this time it'll be done right! :)  

Really wish Brannen was able to go with Shawna, and I. But there will be other times. I guess this time we'll only scar Bill with our craziness, rather than both hubby's at the same time! LOL!! Then when Brannen is able to go with me for a visit, we'll scar him & Bill will already be prepared!! Love you Brannen & Bill!!!!

It's kind of funny at times how life works out. I only lived in Georgia for a year & a half, but in that short time I made a best friend for life. There are other people who have been in my life longer, and that I am actually around more day-to-day that I don't have the same connection with. Jen, you may be thousands of miles away, but you are always in my heart. I love you girl!!

Sorry if this post is all over the place, but as many of you know (if you've taken the time to read any of my posts) you know that that is how I write.....lol!

Life

I have felt compelled to blog for the last few nights, but wasn't really sure what to write about. Tonight I finally decided I'd just do it anyways, and see how it comes out. Be forewarned though that it will probably jump around a lot, and be one big mess! As you can see I'm not even real sure how to start this one :p lol!! Here goes nothing.....


Life has done some changing lately. We have finally decided to move home, and are so excited. While our time in Washington has brought a lot of changes to our life, we're just ready to be home. Want to raise Shawna in the state we both love. So at some point this summer we will be moving back to Emmett.....YAY!! Can't wait :)


Also Mom had knee replacement surgery the end of March, which is awesome & was much needed. Then all of the sudden work picked up for Dad, which is a great thing! But then there was no one here to help Mom, or help run the office. So Shawna & I have been in Idaho for the last 4 weeks, and are finally heading back to Wa. tomorrow. We both miss Daddy, and are ready to be back in our own home :)


How is it that we can make friends online, with people we'll probably never meet in person, but can't seem to make friendships work in person that have been there for years? Is it because the online friends haven't been there with us through ups & downs? Don't judge us for changing, whether it be good or bad? Don't call us bad friends for not keeping in touch?


Yet the online friends end up being there for us through the ups & downs anyways when the real life friends judge us, or accuse us of being a bad friend & for not keeping in touch. A lot of people have said that online friendships aren't real friendships. I think that's the biggest load of shit I have ever heard! I, over the last 6 months or so, have made some amazing friendships with people online. They listen when I need an ear. Offer advice when they think its needed, and try to make me feel better when I'm down. Why should real life friends who don't do any of these things, be deemed more important? Well in my book, ALL my friendships are important to me & all are equal. I'm sorry if you can't understand that.


Well I think that's enough rambling for tonight. Not sure I feel any better for this post, but here it is none the less......

Just another post....

Not too much going on, but felt compelled to sit down & blog anyways.        Not even really sure what I'll write, but I guess you could say I'm just going with the feeling....lol!!

Shawna is great!! A little shit, but great none the less :)  Can't believe she'll be 2 in 3 months!! Where the hell has the time gone?!?!  There's no way my little girl can be 2 already......and I know it'll only go faster from here.

I remember being a kid, and thinking that time went so slow. The school year took forever to get through. Holiday's couldn't come fast enough. Now, most days I would give anything to have time slow down a little. Enjoy more time with loved ones that are gone. Take more picture's of Shawna, thought we all know that I take a ton of them anyways!!! :)  Do more things with her that were meant to be done with she was still teeny tiny.      What I can do though is embrace the time I have left!! With her, with my folks, with the friends who are still around, with everyone in my life!! Make the most of all of it & be as happy as I possibly can!! :)

Well I think that's going to be it for tonight. Pretty short & boring. It is what it is! LOL!!

Night y'all!!

Happy Birthday

Happy 30th Birthday little brother!!!

I wonder how we would have celebrated this day for you. Would you be married with kids? Would we have a big family celebration, or would you still be single & we'd go party? So much unanswered, so much unknown.

Today will always be your day in my eyes, but there may be more births on this day. Brannen's little sister quite possibly could have her twin boys today. I wonder if you're the one doing it? To bring some happiness to the day. Though there is always happiness in the this day. Even in all the sadness of you  not being here, there is still the happiness that today was the day you came into our lives. Even if just for the short time you were here.

I just hope she can wait until we get there. Though we all know babies come when their ready :) LOL!! And yes, I'm still being selfish with today, and am going to get my hair done. Even going to have some funky color added to it today, just for you ;) LOL! And I know that may make me a horrible person for not putting Shaylee, and the twins before myself. But today I just can't help it. I need this.....  Shaylee says she understands, and I hope she really does. She truly is the little sister I (we) never had. I want to be there for her, and I will be. Just hope it's in time.

It appears you've even given me a beautiful day to enjoy today. Thank you for that. I've really needed it! Well little brother, I'm sure everyone is tired of hearing me go on & on about you. So I should probably bring this post to an end.

You are forever in my thoughts. Forever in my heart. Forever my little brother.

I loved you then......I love you know.....I love you always <3

Happy Birthday baby brother, happy birthday........